i love new york

ageofinnocenceTwo bright stars have suddenly come into my life, different sizes, shapes, altering levels of maturity but equally funny and loving. It was a complete surprise to find my heart cracking open to let these two souls into my life. I find, now that I have, my life is filled with conversations about books outside my demographic, cartoon movies, and more art and inspiration than I could have ever dreamed. There are moments of panic when I want to retreat, when I over think everything, when I see red flags and obstacles on my path. Loving and being loved is scary, dangerous, and I tend to not go about it so well. Rush in and retreat has been a long time pattern. But being around children they don’t allow that type of behavior. Consistency is really the only option, and it has taught me to be consistent in my own life and now in my own style of loving. I never wanted children, and still don’t want my own. But one amazing little girl has stepped into my life and allowed me to open my heart consistently, honestly and with great tolerance for all the ups and downs that come with loving another person.
In the midst of all this change I’ve needed something grounding. I turned to Edith Wharton’s, Age of Innocence. One of my favorite novels that I have never managed to finish. Dear Madame Olenska, a fish out of water in her own city. I feel a bit like that lately. Unsure, unaccustomed to being in this same place, differently.

She shook her head and sighed. ’Oh, I know – I know! But on condition that they don’t hear anything unpleasant. Aunt Welland put it in those very words when I tried . . Does no one want to know the truth here, Mr. Archer? The real loneliness is living among all these kind people who only ask one to pretend!’ She lifted her hands to her face and he saw her thin shoulders shaken by a sob.

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