Welcome to the jungle

I’m terrified of a lot of things, some including, being trapped in a burning building, or getting attacked on the side of the road, etc. These seem to be the normal type of fears that we all have but I also have the ever-present fear and self-doubt. Lately I’ve been working really hard to get the fear monkey off my back. I went to a therapist for a while who told me you’re comfort zone is being uncomfortable. I have a hard time imagining that I could have all the things that I really want. Somehow there is a block there. I’ve been playing hide and seek with my inner blockages, at times staring them in the face and other times hiding behind a large tree. I’m a sucker for tragic love stories, I love the phrase long-suffering, and I always wanted a widows walk when I lived by the ocean. I grew up with a very emotional, dramatic, prone to suffering Polish family. But that can’t explain all my self-doubting away. I’ve had my fair share of tragedy already and I guess part of me thinks I’m due for some goodness. But I’ve grown quite comfortable in this uncomfortable zone. When it comes down to it isn’t fear just that, breaking out of our comfort zones? While it may seem strange to feel more comfort in suffering, I guess it’s time to embrace the bliss. For me, following the bliss feels like hacking through a jungle with a machete. This morning I was looking through Kay Ryan’s The Best of It New and Selected Poems and this one jumped out at me,

Hide and Seek

It’s hard not
to jump out
instead of
waiting to be
found. It’s
hard to be
alone so long
and then hear
someone come
around. It’s
like some form
of skin’s developed
in the air
that, rather
than have torn,
you tear.

The tearing, the learning, the tragedy all seems inevitable in some form or another. But whether or not the tear happens is no reason not to embrace the bliss. So for today I’m going to try imagining all that goodness and hacking my way through that jungle.

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